What does it mean to awaken to life?
What is it to be in the present moment?
How would my life be with more balance?

These are questions that can’t be answered with the mind. Disappointing as this may sound to this active mind, awakening just isn’t something my mind can wrap itself around. What I am discovering is that the present moment is the doorway to awakening--awakening to a life with balance, presence and love.

When I am not present where am I?

This one I am well qualified to answer. I’m not present when I am thinking about the past or future, and getting hooked by one of the stories of my life—trying to figure out ways to control a situation at the office, endlessly processing an unresolved issue with a colleague, judging a family member, rolling around that same old pattern I’ve had with my mate, daydreaming about an upcoming trip, devising a strategy that will fix a local organization’s problems, worrying if I’ll get my taxes done in time, struggling with what will happen if I don’t make budget, fantasizing about what will happen if I do make budget, fretting if my son is okay, dismaying about how will I ever finish everything on that to do list…

I’m not saying that being in the mind is wrong. Living in the world of time, it is necessary to use the thinking mind to plan and the mind can be fun to play in. Life only becomes hell when obsessed and caught up in believing the mind’s thoughts.

In an overwhelmed thinking state, am I aware of what I’m feeling underneath all my stories? Am I feeling an underlying sense of peace? Or am I being with any bubbling feelings wanting to surface? Do I notice the tiny purple flower bud starting to open or watch the white, billowy clouds drifting by? Am I listening to the melodic sound from the wind chimes, or feeling the gentle, cool breeze coming through the open window? Do I see the streaks of sunshine lighting up the office walls?

When I am caught up in my mind, am I aware of my breath? Am I really there as a client pours out their heart or when a small child has to keep tugging at my shirt for attention? Do I pause my thoughts long enough to savor the flavors as I sip my tea and snack at a scone? Am I aware of this delicate, fertile feeling inside waiting to whisper a poem or to create a new painting? Am I reaching for the silent, stillness that is deeper within? Am I paying attention to living and experiencing life?

It’s not likely I am paying attention to any of these things.

From my experience, there’s no room to be with what’s present once my mind whirlpool starts spinning. In fact, if I don’t catch my mind in the act of feeding itself into a frenzy, it doesn’t take long before my chest tightens and my stories have grabbed me by the throat. By this point it’s difficult to breathe and that seems to be an effective clue that I’m not being present.  A deep breath, remembering to be with what is here now and I notice the thought merry-go-round begins to slow down.

I find that awakening to life is not always extraordinary, in fact often it is quite ordinary compared to the dazzling promises and painful fears offered by my mind. Yet when I allow myself to become present, the thoughts slow down, balance and clarity are back and I am living life again. When I am present, new possibilities are revealed and the moments when grace happens… but that is another story.

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